


Thonks That Rhyme

by cattyk8



Category: DCU
Genre: Bad Poetry, Crack, Gen, Gift Exchange, Limericks, Thonksgiving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-04 07:48:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17300654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cattyk8/pseuds/cattyk8
Summary: This is poetry that is under no circumstances ever to be taken seriously. Because.Low-effort thonks written for the ManManBangBang Discord Server's Thonksgiving 2018 gift exchange event.I am so, so sorry.





	1. The Doge Days Aren't Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a prompt called **Doge Wayne** by Holy Ground: 'Bruce Wayne' is caught out one night in R&D or other place he isn't supposed to be. Becomes new meme, but instead of dog in pic: Bruce. Outsider POV is a plus. Clark appearance is a plus.

It's said a gala in Gotham is never complete  
Without a Brucie story in the scandal sheets  
And the launch of Luthor's new lab fits the bill  
As the _Gazette_ and the _Planet_ are happy to spill.

The reporters are bored by Lex's medical bots  
And most are ready to leave when Brucie is caught  
But unlike the usual scandals with a model or three  
The playboy billionaire's found breaking into R&D! 

The photos make the front page the following day  
Of Brucie caught red-handed in the most awkward way  
Stroking his chin like the intellectual we know he's not  
Looking as innocent as he can—and failing by a long shot!

The memes that result show him in that faked thinker's pose  
But the sideways look in his eyes, the wrinkle over his nose  
Are more than enough to tell all who look  
This is hardly the face of a master crook.

For the break in had been discovered at half past ten  
And Lex had burst into the lab with a half dozen men  
Brucie had stared around him with the widest of eyes,  
And said, "Lexy, such evidence! Many findings! What a prize!"

The truth: where the billionaires go, the reporters go too  
So the encounter was photographed, and videoed up the wazoo  
And it took less than a day for things to spiral  
Because by morning, "Doge Wayne" had gone viral. 

It was on Twitter, on Facebook, just all over the place—  
So many GIFs and memes of Brucie's "thinking face"  
And it was a mortified vigilante who struggled not to facepalm  
When his fiancee giggled into his cape and failed to stay calm. 

"This is no laughing matter," said the stoic Dark Knight  
As the Man of Steel continued to smile, humor clear and bright  
Said Clark, "Come on, Bruce! You're living the dream—  
It took no time or effort to become the year's biggest meme!"


	2. Kooky Cookie Mystery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for a prompt titled **LOOK ME IN THE EYE** by Hydro Thunder Hurricane: 
> 
> Bruce: Did you take Alfred's last cookie?  
> Clark (with crumbs all over his face): LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND ASK ME AGAIN!  
> (Can be another variation of "LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND ASK ME AGAIN", or a continuation/prequel to this)

It was a Dark (and stormy) Knight  
Who gave Clark Kent a fright  
When he swooped into the den  
Face thunderous where it was usually zen  
Saying, "On pain of withholding nookie,  
Tell me, did you take Alfred's last cookie?"

Now, Clark knew he was no longer alone,  
Had heard it when his boyfriend came home  
And stared at the empty cookie plate and indeed  
Had hid all proof of his greed.  
So confident was he in his ability to clean  
That he decided he'd make a bit of a scene.

He put on his innocent, indignant face, and then,  
Demanded, "Look me in the eye, and ask me that again!"  
To which Bruce Wayne simply stared, then snorted.  
"Boy scout, tell me the truth," he exhorted.  
"I may have come home a couple hours late,  
But I know Alfred would have left me a cookie plate."

"I don't know what you're talking about,"  
Said Clark, hoping to find a way out  
Because this was his predicament:  
There was no way the Bat would relent  
And no way Clark wouldn't eventually confess  
Given all Bruce knew about heavy duress.

"Clark Joseph Kent, just embrace the blame,"  
Said Bruce, and oh no! He'd been three-named!  
Dread filled Clark's heart, and his shoulders slumped  
When Bruce demanded, "Do you take me for a chump?"  
Horror raised Clark's eyes up to meet Bruce's,  
And he finally admitted weakly, "I have no excuses."

"No you don't," said the Bat. Clark's heart raced.  
Was that amusement—a smile?!—on his boyfriend's face?  
"You're not mad?" said Clark, hardly daring to hope.  
Only to find himself perplexed when Bruce said, "Nope."  
Now annoyed by his humor, Clark decided to say,  
"Fine. Will you mind telling me what gave me away?"

Then Clark was treated to the rarest of sights:  
The laughter—no, guffaws!—of Gotham's Dark Knight.  
He stared, amazed, as Bruce was unable to stand  
As he held his stomach with a laughter-weakened hand.  
Finally Bruce realized his lover had been struck dumb  
And said, no, howled, "Your face is covered in crumbs!"


	3. A Fishy Situation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for a prompt titled **More fish now than man** by Orphan's Plot Trinket: Aquaman, but every time someone calls him “Aquaman” he becomes 5% more fish.

"Aquaman! Aquaman!" Arthur Curry heard  
And it was enough to make him say a bad word  
And he felt the start of the curse kick in  
As his feet grew scales and a hint of fins.  
Then, "Aquaman! Aquaman!" and really? Really? Jeez!  
Now Arthur had gone fishy to the knees.  
“Aquaman, Aquaman,” and he couldn’t stop his sighs  
As the fishiness of his body reached up to his thighs.  
The name of Aquaman was called three times more  
And by now Arthur was mightily sore  
One more call, and the fins were up to his neck  
Which made the Flash scream, “Arthur, what the heck?”  
“Curse,” he said with a shrug, then added, “Makes people into fish.”  
To which Batman said, “Aquaman, why not come to us before this?”  
But the moment his name passed the Dark Knight’s lips  
The curse completed his transformation into a fish.  
Arthur turned to glare with a single bulging eye  
And spat out, “Dude, don’t you think I tried?”  
But at this point, the Aquaman was sorely in need of a hug  
Because all that came out of his fishy lips was, “Glug, glug, glug.”


	4. In Which Hernan Answers a Question with the Same Question

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for a prompt titled **Couch Thonk** by Hydro Thunder Hurricane:   
> Kirk: What would you do if I died?   
> Hernan: ???  
> Inspired by chat, insert how Hernan would reply/thinks, or even just emote his thonk face XD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note for giftee: Completely corny but at least it rhymes? A 15-minute poem, to fulfill the "low effort" part of this endeavor. :P

"What would you do if I died?" asked the Bat.  
Hernan blinked. "Did you really just ask me that?"  
To which his lover said, "Yes."  
So the alien stroked his beard and took a guess.  
Asked, "Is this about your friends? Tina and Will?"  
But Kirk only asked, "What would you do if I were killed?"

Now the truth is, Hernan had spent years  
Teaching Kirk to share his heart, his thoughts, his tears  
Had learned to use words like "colleague, "teammate," "friend"  
When inside he named him "my heart's end"  
Had let his soul march into battle with pride  
All the while wondering, "What would I do if you died?"

Even to himself, he had never had a suitable retort  
His brain locking at the thought of losing his cohort  
As for all there was so much Kryptonian eyes might see  
He'd never wanted to envision what his fate might be  
If the light of his life, the heart of his home  
Should ever pass on and leave him alone.

"You will thin your beard from how hard you're stroking,"  
Said the Batman, not knowing how Hernan's heart was choking  
For Superman he might be, but he was ever afraid  
Of what might happen should that final price need be paid  
So like a coward, he turned to the man at his side,  
And asked, "And you, Kirk? What would YOU do if I died?"


	5. A Thotwing Limerick Series (Take 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for a prompt titled **Thotwing** by Screw Destiny: Just Nightwing being thotfull

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note for Giftee: I'm not actually a poet so I wrote some limericks and am calling it poetry. I hope it still counts.
> 
> General Note: This is Take 1 of two because I'm old and outmoded and mistakenly thought "thotfull" was just a misspelling of "thoughtful." Ergo, did not understand the brief, wrote this. Upon understanding brief, wrote the next set.

There was a young man named Dick Grayson  
Who too often had his thinking face on  
Wondering, "How can I tell  
Daddy Bats that he’s swell?"  
So he figured he’d ask his bro Jason.

Now Grayson’s bro Jay was confused  
As to why Dick had made him his muse  
Asked, “Goldie, what the frak  
Gave you the idea that  
I’d help you give B anything but abuse?”

Luckily, Dick had another bro,  
So he went to the cave, said, “Hey Timbo,  
I need ideas on telling B  
How much he’s meant to me.”  
Says Tim, “Why tell when you can show?”

“Show what and to whom?” asked Damian Wayne  
Having snuck up on them, to their shame  
The former Robins shared a glance  
Then decided to take a chance  
Said, “If we tell, you can’t give away the game.”

“Tell what?” said the Robin to his older bros  
As he scowled to show he wanted to know  
His face was so cute  
It rendered Dick mute  
And made him want to boop him on the nose.

“Dick wants to show B some appreciation,”  
Said Tim, well used in these situations  
At which point did Robin insist  
That he would assist  
In whatever plan conceived by Grayson.

Of course, the problem was, there was no plan  
So Dick decided it would be grand  
To ask another Bat  
Not realizing that  
This situation was really getting out of hand.

And that’s when they heard a voice from behind  
As Bruce grunted, “What’s wrong this time?”  
“N-nothing, B,” said Dick  
Who couldn’t make the lie stick  
But then, “Nothing,” the other Robins chimed.

“You’re acting strange,” said the Bat to the birds  
Who froze. Was that amusement they heard?  
“No we’re not,” said Tim  
And all credit to him  
As he seemed the only one capable of using his words.

Bruce stared suspiciously at all three  
So Dick sighed and said, “Chill out, B.  
Don’t take them to task  
As I just wanted to ask  
If either of them would be willing to help me.”

This only made Bruce frown more, not less,  
So Nightwing said, “All right, I confess.  
I know Thanskgiving is soon  
And though I feel like a buffoon  
There was just something I wanted to get off my chest.”

“And what is that,” asked the Dark Knight.  
“I love you,” Dick said, and it just felt right.  
So he grinned and shrugged  
And gave his mentor a hug,  
Squeezing with all his heart and his might.


	6. A Thotwing Limerick Series (Take 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for a prompt titled **Thotwing** by Screw Destiny: Just Nightwing being thotfull

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note for Giftee: This is a make-up thonk, as I realized I didn't understand the prompt when I submitted my first limerick series for the Early Thonks. I have since been informed by Urban Dictionary that "being thotfull" is completely different from "being thoughtful"

There once was a man named Dick  
Whom everyone thought was pretty darned slick  
Ladies would stare when he’d pass  
Gasp, “Oh! What an ass!  
What I’d give for a pat or a squeeze or a lick!”

Now it happened the hero named Nightwing  
Had such skill when it came to fighting  
That when voted to lead  
The Titans decreed  
It had nothing to do with why they were sighing.

And so came the time to fight at long last  
Heralded by booms and zooms and blasts  
But the Legion of Doom  
So promptly swooned  
At the sight of the former Boy Wonder’s ass.

After a few effortless victories  
The JL applied themselves to the mystery  
And it soon became clear  
That what they had here  
Was a weapon of unheralded effectivity.

Poor Dick was a shook Wonder Lad  
When he was one day approached by his dad  
Who said, “I hate to concede  
But it seems the Justice League  
Thinks you’re the best ass-et they’ve ever had.”


	7. Bruce Wayne and the Invasion of the Detachable Dicks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Written for a prompt titled **DETACHABLE DICK** by Offhand Backhand: DETACHABLE DICK. Clark's, Arthur's, or Bruce's (maybe there's magic involved? IDK), or any pairing involving any of the above.
> 
> A little background: There's an on-going h/c in the ManManBangBang Discord server that Clark's xenobiological quirks, as a Kryptonian, include detachable genitalia. Most often these have some of Superman's powers, like flight. They also may be mission-oriented, for the purpose of finding their Kryptonian's perfect mate. 
> 
> We have spent hours speculating over this idea. Thonksgiving 2018 features terrific (and terrifying) art inspired by it. As for me, well, it brought me to this. I am so, so sorry.

**Bruce Wayne and the Invasion of the Detachable Dicks**  
**AKA The World’s Greatest Dick-tective Finds Love**

It started not too long after they met  
Though they hadn't revealed their identities yet  
His butler thought Bruce crazed  
When he said, "I've been hit in the face  
By what appears to be a flying cock,"  
At which point he could only mock,  
"And, Master Bruce, dare I wonder what you'll say  
If I ask whether you kept it or pushed it away?"  
And the butler was forced to swallow a curse,  
Though in hindsight, he realized, it could've been worse  
And if anyone had the right to look properly shocked, it  
Was Alfred when Batman pulled a cock out of his pocket.  
Said the butler, "Oh my! Can you tell me, sir, why  
You brought it home?" Said Batman, "Alfred, it flies."  
"Are you quite, quite sure, sir?" said the loyal retainer  
Who wondered, how is it his life had actually gotten stranger.  
At which point the Bat examined it and frowned,  
Saying, "I'm pretty sure at one point it broke the speed of sound.  
Which tells me there's a possibility I know someone who can  
Get to the bottom of this. It's a job for Superman!"  
Just then, the Batcomputer pinged. Alfred said, “Sir, not to be pert,  
But another…appendage appears to have triggered our proximity alert.”  
Batman turned on his coms and hailed his ally in Metropolis  
Wondering what he had done in life to deserve this  
As another floating dick flew into the cave  
And with what he hoped wasn’t precum did lave  
His face with its tip, moist from the waterfall  
And it was with relief that he realized Superman was returning his call.  
“Superman,” he said, but that’s all he could manage  
Because the cock promptly pushed its advantage  
Straight into the Dark Knight’s mouth, and the man was forced to note  
That the cock was so big it hit the back of his throat  
But still wasn’t all the way inside.  
“Batman, what’s wrong?” Superman cried.  
With a very Batmanish growl, Bruce grabbed the thing by the balls,  
Yanked it out of his mouth, and threw it against the nearest wall  
Where it recovered, then slumped, and if he was less than apoplectic,  
He would’ve said it actually looked somewhat… apologetic?  
“Superman, I would like to consult you on an urgent matter,”  
He managed to say in a relatively calm manner.  
“I’ll be right there, B! Just give me a sec!”  
And in ten seconds flat, he was staring at a couple of pecs  
As the Man of Tomorrow super-speeded in  
With a flap of his cape and his signature grin.  
“I daresay I’ll leave you to contend with this latest, ah, case,”  
Said Alfred, who wore his best butler face.  
“I’ll retire to the kitchen for a much-needed cup of tea,  
That is, assuming you have no more need of me?”  
Bruce glared at his butler, then sighed and said, “Go ahead.”  
At which the Kryptonian gasped, “Did you just use the batglare on Alfred?”  
“Sorry,” said Bruce. “It’s been a very long day.”  
Causing Clark to frown. What had his friend acting this way?  
“How can I help, Bruce?” asked Superman, worried sick.  
In response, Batman sighed and tossed him a dick.  
“These have been coming at me for the past several hours,  
And Superman, they seem to have some of your powers.”  
Metropolis’ hero looked down at the cock in his hand  
Just as another one flew in to poke at the other man.  
Batman was wary now; he raised a hand to keep it at bay.  
Said, “Clark, you gotta help me figure out how to make them go away.”  
But the Kryptonian, wearing a funny look on his face,  
Whispered, “I assumed they all went into space.”  
And as if it wasn’t the oddest thing to happen in the life of Bruce Wayne,  
Batman grabbed the floating dick, pointed it at his friend, and demanded, “Explain.”  
Under the full glare of the Bat, Superman flushes and coughs,  
Then mutters, “Kryptonian biology redefines what it means to jack off.”  
When Bruce stands still and just continues to scowl,  
Clark sighs and says, “Look, can you take off your cowl?”  
Batman does, and all the dicks in the cave seem to quiver with glee,  
Causing the billionaire to scowl and growl, “Explain this to me.”  
And so the Kryptonian started to talk, his face beet red.  
“Well, you see, Batman, it’s like this,” he said.  
He proceeded to explain that the dicks were not an act of villainy  
But instead could be attributed to the quirks of Kryptonian biology  
As it seems every time a male Kryptonian masturbates,  
At the point of orgasm, his dick separates  
From the rest of his body, then goes on some kind of quest  
To find the mate that will suit the Kryptonian best.  
At the explanation, Bruce stared, then said, “Well, I guess I understand how,  
But my next question is: Clark, why are they coming here, and now?”  
The Man of Tomorrow had never before been this flushed,  
But he blurted out, “It’scauseIfiguredoutIloveyouverymuch!”  
Batman frowned and said, “Could you repeat that, and slower, please?”  
To which Clark shouted, “I said I love you, Bruce! Jeez!”  
But then the Kryptonian decided to let it all out  
And so in the next minutes continued to shout  
He told his best friend he didn’t know when it started  
That he initially thought Bruce was cold and hard-hearted  
But then he saw how much Batman cared, how much he gave  
How hard he worked for the city no one thought he could save  
How gentle he was with the victims, especially the little ones.  
“Rao, Bruce,” Clark groaned. “It was like glimpsing the sun.  
I didn’t even realize I was falling until it was done.  
And now I’m in it, and I’m pretty sure this love will stick.  
If only because you’re here with my dicks!”  
The Bat of Gotham was not often surprised  
But he stared at the Man of Steel with wide eyes.  
“Are you sure love me?” he asked, his voice strangely hoarse.  
“Did I stutter?” Clark muttered. “What I mean is, of course!”  
Whatever else he had to say was cut off by a kiss  
As Batman had never allowed himself to dream of this.  
And when they finally pulled apart, he murmured to Krypton’s last son,  
“So what exactly happens when your dicks’ quest is done?”  
Clark looked at him, his smile bright and wide,  
“Well, let’s just say, a dick will disappear when it’s been satisfied!”  



End file.
